A note from the author: This Study Guide will take us to new places we may have never thought about going. We will likely learn new things about ourselves, but even more about our family. We all have one; and whether we like them or not, we are like them in many ways. You will also find some ideas on how to mend the fences with your people. So, let’s get going! ~Sarah Jane

1.  Who Are Our People?

We all have what we call our people, our tribe, or our clan. The most common term is simply our relatives, for those with whom we are biologically related. We also know this group of human beings as kinfolks, because we are kin by blood. We share many things with these individuals—mainly, but certainly not limited to, the blood that runs through our veins. We also share genetics, physical features, good or not-so-good looks, and temperaments. Oh, but it goes even further than that—there are talents such as being able to sing, dance or play an instrument that can be traced back to our kinfolks. Equally true, the qualities of high intelligence or exceptional athletic capabilities also run in families. Further still, we often hold the same religious views, political views, and societal views.

Whether we like our kinfolks or not, we are like them in many ways. There were several things I discovered about my family during the data gathering process for my book that I did not know beforehand. I did not know that almost every member of my dad’s family played a musical instrument. All I knew was that I loved music with every fiber of my being. I guess I thought everybody loved music as much as I did—after all, what’s not to love about music?

Is there something about YOU (a trait, skill or desire) that you wonder where in the world it came from? __________ Describe it below.

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I must ask: Have you looked around at your kinfolks? __________________________________________________________________

2.  Childhood Memories

Childhood memories are something we all have. I have wonderful memories as a child growing up around my people, and I cherish them even more today now that I’ve written about them. But good or bad, our memories are what they are. If yours are not so good, I encourage you to face them with courage. You can’t change your memories, but by addressing them, you may see some things differently now that you are an adult.

Without disclosing any facts about your hurtful memories, make a note here of a memory you possibly need to face.

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Some people keep bad memories suppressed for years. That is generally not a good idea as it can eventually lead to mental anguish that pushes individuals to carry out revenge on family members, co-workers, and even innocent people. I recommend getting professional help, be it through a counselor, pastor, or friend. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest. God wants His children to live in total freedom from our sin, our past, and our bad memories. Let’s look at two chain-breaking statements Jesus made while He was on earth.

John 8:32 “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

Jesus deeply cares about our freedom. He knows that truth has inherent qualities when brought into the light of His love that can bring freedom to our lives. It is knowledge of the truth that breaks off our chains. Listening to and believing lies does the exact opposite.

John 8:36 “Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.”

Here Jesus heralds Himself as the Master over bondages, chains, addictions, lies, deceit, half-truths or any other life-suffocating obstacles. And He announces that if He sets us free from any of those relentless monsters, we will truly be free!

Rewrite these two scriptures and insert the pronouns I and me in the place of you.

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3.  Strained Relationships ~ What Can We Do?

For more than four decades, I have been friends with a family of five daughters. I have watched them live in close proximity to one another and their parents. Not once have I known of a dispute among any of them, nor one bad word spoken about another. They live life together, and some have worked together. They share the responsibility of taking care of elderly parents and do it well. They truly earn a five-star rating in my mind, and they are greatly admired as a family by anyone who knows them. But unfortunately, they are not the norm. It isn’t uncommon to have issues with our people. So, what can we do about our strained relationships?

While some bad behaviors are intentional, a large part of family issues are caused by misunderstandings. The enemy of our souls continually spins and spreads half-truths. If not dealt with, these misunderstandings can change a molehill into a mountain. The longer they are allowed to go unchecked, the bigger the issue becomes. It is often necessary to “eat crow” to get some issues resolved; yet I believe in most cases our people are worth the effort to restore the relationship.

If you think your family’s issues are over-the-top, think again. Let’s look at several examples of family issues from the Bible to see if they were all perfect people with perfect relationships.

Cain and Abel, sons of Adam and Eve and the first two siblings on earth: Cain was jealous of Abel, so he killed him. Not so good, huh? (Genesis 4:1-8)

Isaac and Ishmael, the half-brothers of Abraham: Descendants of both of these men claim they are from the son of promise that God gave to Abraham. This battle still rages today in the Middle East. (Genesis 15:1-8; Chapters 16; 17; and 21:1-21)

Jacob and Esau, the twin brothers of Isaac and Rebecca: Jacob, the younger brother, stole his older brother’s birthright. That is a really big deal in Jewish families. (Genesis 25:19-34)

Joseph and his 11 brothers, the sons of Jacob: The brothers were jealous of Joseph because he was their father’s favorite, so they sold him into slavery. The twelve sons of Jacob were born to four different mothers. Want to talk about a challenge? (Genesis 37:1-36)

These examples are from just the first book of the Bible! But in case you thought your family situation is the absolute worst, these stories should help put things into perspective. Dysfunctional families have been around since the get-go!

4.  How Do We Move Toward Reconciliation?

Sections A through D below are good ideas that could help you resolve some issues with family members. They are certainly not to replace professional help, but rather to provide some simple keys that work for many people. The actual keys are underlined.

A.  The first key is that you must desire to fix things with your family member(s). You will have to make the first move—through prayer and self-reflection. Ask yourself, “Why do I want to fix this?” Record your reasons below.

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B.  If you truly want to reconcile, the next two keys are: forgiveness is essential, and accusations (blame) must stop. Determine in your heart now if you can do these two things. What role does forgiveness play here? What about blame?

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C.  Be willing to meet them half-way. In so doing, you are accepting that part of the problem could be you. Why is this step important?

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D.  Move forward with caution, respect, kindness, and love. Simple kindness may be the most effective key you use. Remember that love never fails—and it will not fail you or fail them. Which of these four words can you see yourself using? __________________________________________________________________

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E.  Everybody has a perspective and it could be different than yours. Everyone is important to God and is one of His offspring. Every person is worthy of mercy and grace, since Jesus died for all of us. Why must we extend mercy and grace to those who don’t deserve it?

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These simple steps are not a fix-all by any means, but what if God restores a relationship that has been broken for half a lifetime? Believe now that “He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think!” (Ephesians 3:20)

Please understand that the good ideas and simple keys above are presented as possible solutions for typical and ordinary misunderstandings and behaviors in families. They are not offered as a solution for every offense, especially in the case of harmful actions like sexual abuse. Reconciliation may not be possible in some cases, and those kinds of offenses need and deserve professional counseling.

I have covered many thoughts and ideas to help you deal with your family matters. I pray in the coming days that the Holy Spirit will speak to your heart which ones can help you find healing, health, and wholeness in everything family!

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I acknowledge that my childhood memories are certainly not like a fairytale. In fact, there are some issues with my kinfolks that I would like to reconcile. I have no idea how it will be received, but thank you for bringing me to this point of acknowledgement. Oh God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot fix, the courage to fix the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.¹ Please help me to honor You in whatever I do with this new insight. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.

¹ The Serenity Prayer, modified by author